Neema Shaw
read chapter 12 of my book to find out ….
How did you loose your viginity
Posted: August 2, 2010 in fear, helping hand, LOVE, men, my life, novel, sexTags: sex, viginity, virgins
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our front yard was always over grown and had long dry grass ….
the police man next door ..who was also the landlord and owner of the house we lived in rounded up everyone including his own kids my mum and dad and they cleaned and mowed the front yard . the grass would of been over my head it took ages for the lawn mower to cut throu …. i as usual ran out the back shit scared of the lawn mower … as many times while my dad was out the back mowing the lawn … a stone would go flying throu the air and hit me .so i leanrt fast to stay away it scared me .but they finished and the mower was turned off now everyone was just collecting the mountian of grasss . i came throu the front of the house and stood there to watch them all picking up the grass and baggin it up .i began walking around them watching and one of them said i could help. so i excitedly grab my hands in there picking up my load of grass and shoving it in the bags … .. the grass was so fine and so dry .dust particles were flying throu the air i got a little over happy and began throwing some around .. it wasnt long and i was told to stop and help properly .. i felt all grown up so i behaved and helped once more ….. i did lots and lots of handfulls but the last one didnt go so well.. they raked another big pile of grass into the centre of the yard … we all went in to clean it … i shoved my 2 hands into the middle of the big pile and felt this enormous pain shooting up into one of my hands .. i scremed as i pulled then out as fast as i could .. there on the side of my left hand was a little tiny stinger left in from a bee . it was quikly flicked of but the pain was excrusiating . it arm began to throb i cried and cried in agony as my fingers became fat n puffy … then the palm of my hand swelled aswell … then my wrist .. my hand tripled in side in a matter of minutes the throbbing was so intense my skin to shiny and tight from the swelling … i was placed in the car and mum took me straight to the drs where my hand was bandaged up tightly and i was given a sling to wear and aslo discovered that day i was obviously ellergic to bee stings .we went back home and everyone was making a fuss of me and many hugs were given .. my arm still throbbing tho at first was hard to take in the attention from the pain but the attention won over pretty fast … i stayed inside talking to an aunty while they all finished the cleaning . many times people coming in to see if i was ok dad kisses me heaps and even mum was caring n sweet to me … wow i love being injured if this is what you get love and attention this is cool … but i dont wont to get stung by a bee ever again that pain was like no other pain i had felt even in my life it was worse than the itch i had from ring worms that one time We were all pretty tough kids back then … our imune systems certianly got a work out it was back in the day when parents were in many way encouraged to spead diseases to there children from a young age .
when i was about 5 i remmeber me and my sister had ringworms from the dirty cats we had wondering around the place still never ending breedings goin on . but my body was covered in these huge massive round welts some were small aswell but my whole tiny body seemed covered in them ..and the itchyness was beyond control .. especialy this one ringworm behind my knee ..drove me crazy .. as i tryed to play my hand went constanly down there to scratch … i remember hearing my mother telling to stop scratching it all day long ..:neema stop it … neema stop scratching : but i just coudlnt …. i held my breath trying not to be tempted but it won over me …. some i itched so much they bleed … mum was always good at taking us to the drs when needed …. she never neglected me that way .. i think she was given cream for the ringworms i cant realy remember … but i do know we had calamine lotion when we got chicken pox … i was about 6 then the lady up the road who had twins all had them so mum sent us up there to play to get them …. yes back in those days the 70;s these childhood illnesses were more a pest than a deathly disease and some encouraged getting them now while you were younger to get your imunity in …. and thats what we did .. my little ssiter didnt get em but me and big sis sure as hell did ….at night when dad got home … he stripped us both bare and rubbed this white cream all over us to stop the itching… ofcoure it only helped the smallest amount . so i spent another week of my young life sick sore and contaigeous all by the time i was 6
MUTLEY THE GREAT
,we had a dog called mutley that i do remmebr dad washing him often in the back yard
…all bubbled up with dad fighting with him to stay still while he got hosed down .he wasnt very happy and after wards would roll madly all over the dirt patch out the back corner of the yard …i think i was about 4 when my dad brought home this
.when i was sad or upset i would tell him all about it ..id come outside sobbing or angry and id sit next to him in the back of the yard when noone could find me id hug my arms around his skinny belly and smell the musky dusty smell he had but it brought me comfort i knew he was my only real friend i could talk to at home his head would wobble side to side as i looked him directly in hsi borwn eyes and told him of my feelings and anger at my family how i hated them all for not giving me what i wanted . mutley seemed to understand on sunny days outside i would .ly down next to him on the grass and feel a sence of calm and security ..he was often with me on my wonderings i remember often telling him to go home as i shooed him away with my small hands go home mutley he sometimes followed me too much and annoyed the shit out of my . he became a good guard dog and barked at anyone who came over so we alwasy knew if there was someone about, but he wasnt to last to long with us
.he was about 2 years old and one day as i was visitng mrs price and mrs bishop we heard the loud screatching of tyres …and brakes ..the sounds of a dog yellping ..the noice was thunderous ..we all went running out to the front to see a huge 8 wheeled truck stopped in the middle of the rd right infront of mrs price and mrs bishops house we alll ran out the gate and imediatly my eyes were covered by mrs prices hand ….but it was too late ……i saw a glimps of my beat friend in the whole world mutley liying there under the wheels of the truck ..DEAD already ..it was a quik death thankfully……….. i remmebr screaming no mutly no ..dont go as tears flowed from my eyes …my heart racing a million miles an hour ..my stomach feelng as if i woneted to vomit ……..i was hugged so very tightly by mrs price and mrs bishop ……..the truck driver himself in absolute tears himself ..shocked at what had just happened ..i was so sure that mutly had come over to wait for me to go home again and thats why he was crossing the road ..he was looking for me ……
.a hole was dug for mutley in the back corner by the armond tree his limp body placed into it ..and covered over with dirt …..the truck driver had a bunch of flowers he was going to give to his wife ..but instead shared them ontop of mutleys grave ……i just stood there looking at the dirt crying …i couldt stop crying the hurt was so strong the pain so hard …………this was my first real experiance with death ..and it became a beautiful thing….for many months after i would still sit there and have my litle chats with him ..and i always walked away with a I LOVE YOU MUTLY. he had an impact of everyone in the family that eventualy we did get another dog which we too called mutley .. then the next dog and the next we had about 4 or 5 mutlys there just didnt seem to be any other name you could call a family dog …
half german shepherd ..and half mungrel dog about 6 mnths old so he wasnt small from the beggining . he was pretty much full of short black fur with a few brown splodges over his body . black floppy ears he had the most gorgoeus deep brown eyes and he often tilted his head to the side when you spoke to him. we soon became great mates .everywhere i went he would follow me . up the street or down the street on my daily wonderings he followed me everywhere ..he was my best mate ..BERNIE THE PLAYGROUND DEMON
just down the street there was a play ground i use to walk to some times alone sometimes with my 2 sisters ….there was a man silver hair middle aged that would hang around the park ..he would sometimes approach the kids and talk to them ..i always had a funny feeling about him …spending alot of times in pubs seeing men fight or getting drunk you learn to pick up on a few vibes about men and feeling safe with some and not with others ..and bernie gave my stomach that sick feeling often when he showed up ……..there was an old steam train engine at the park all the kids loved it .I was in there playing when that man started walking up to me he just had this look on his face that just wasnt right he looked like he was going to grab out at me he came closer and closer not speaking a word but walking like he ment it ..so i ran home fast …..everytime we would tell my grandma about him she would say ….OH THATS JUST BERNIE HE IS HARMLESS ……..
so i wondered why one day i went to the park and i saw him standing under a tree where he had tied the boy who lived across the road upside down in the tree .the boy was crying to be let down as bernie laughed ..i was shitting myslef i hid behind the train watching as the boy got more upset crying to be let down my heart sank i was so scared i didnt know what to do but ……i ran home as fast as i could yelling at my mum he has this child in a tree …my mum did nothing …she didnt beleive me and told me to just stay away
……….it was probably less than year later i went to the park alone again ..the same boy who was hung upside down had a twin sister …there was a tennis court at the playground with a gate on either side of the fence as it was all fenced in ..i saw bernie and a fat frind of his guarding each door ..i thought that wsa bit strange …untill i saw this freightened girl about 8years old trapped inside the courts ..the men were getting closer to her the big man was so big n scary..again i shit myslef coudnt stay n watch as they got closer to grabbing her …..i had no idea what they were going to do with her but i knew it wasnt good because she was scared …….once again i ran home but this time i didnt tell my mum ..i didnt see the point ……..but i leanr to play and keep one eye open for bernie and ran home as soon as i saw him from that time on
MY MANIPULATION…….
my dad was alwasy busy fixing cars on weekends …he could build a car from just a key …..dad had a new FJ holden light green i think ……on weekends he would tincker under the hood and we sometimes would watch him and he told us what he was looking at or fixing in detail …..this again was some kind of bonding time ……but soo loved it and took it all in ……as i climbed the good old branches of what remained of a very old almond tree i sat and watched my dad fix his car …multy at my feet trying to jump up the tree too ……dad took way too fuckin long cleaning this damn car ..hours was spend washing ..n polishing .levaing not a streak on any windows ..when he finshed all ws packed away and he went inside to sit for a while …while i watch from my tree ………..i was 5 ..and i saw the car …..it was so shiny ..its pretty ..it was wonderful …so i went and climbed the car and sat on it .looking at myreflexyion in the galss window …..my older sister came out ….yelling at me … to get down ..the buckles on my shoes will scratch the car …….NO ……..HOW DARE SHE SAY THAT TO ME ..IM NOT HURTING ANYONE ..I WONT TO BE UP HERE ….she statred yelling louder trying to grab me off the car ….i thought fuck you ..your not telling me what to do ..i hate you sister ..i hate you ..i hate you .i hate you as we fought over me being on the car ….well …i had enough …thats it …….im goin to end it ……………i know ill get her in trouble ..ive done that before and she get belted ….yep …..so i picked my nose ……and wiped it along the front window …then jumped off the car my sister yelling at me folowing me into the house as i scream …dad look what sister did ,,she put boogie all over the car …dad …dad look …look …………well dad came running out and saw …….as i was alwasy beleived …she coped another slap accrosee her face ….my big sister actualy coped alot of beatings at my expence ..what i didnt realise was that some of them she was just trying to protect me from harm ..but instead i turned it onto her in such a viscous way .by creating lies to my parents …i was usualy never questioned ….they thought i was the good girl who didnt tell lies i guess ….so i used it to my advantage growing up …i survived by batting my eye lids and big smiles to con everyone ….and it worked ..so why stop ………………………i would get extra drinks from the old mena t the pub by my smiles and pleaseeee im thristy ………
my litle sister didnt get out of it unscathed either …..yeh but she was a pain ..i hated her too …..when she was old enough to walk and follow me …..it made me so fuckin angry there went my alone time …..my peace …..i now had her folowing me evry where i went ////my frinds wernt myn alone anymore ..she came with me to play with the boy next door …….she was taking his attention away from me …..and i serioulsy hated it …. we all decided to paly out side but i had convinced my little sister age 3 to stay in the room and play with the toys a bit longer …..i shut the door behind her and pulled the lock over ..so she couldnt get out and i would ahve my friend to me again …..we went n played and actualy did forget about her for hours ….his mother eventualy found her locked in the room and she has we t her pants ..casue no one heard her cryes …………
..while my older sister felt a sence of protection for both myself and smaller sister ……i didnt feel that at all …..to me it was a look after number one and that was it ……i had no loyalty to any of my sisters …..fitgh for your own ….was what i thought ………
MY PARENTS SEPERATE
mum and dad had shut the kitchen door to talk.. while me an big sis were in the lounge watching tv ……..there were qiute a few loud yells comming for behind the door ….as i was 6 i wasnt to interested ..what got my attention was my sister standing at the door listening as she was 9 and i guess had a bit more of an idea what was going on ……..she eventualy opend the door and went in there she was very upset ..everyone was all talking loud n yelling i couldnt realy hear a damn thing .and was still cluless as to what the hell was going down ….then daisy turned and looked at me with tears streaming down her face sobbing she tells me and ..i remmebr her words so clearly to this day …DADS LEAVING US …….
my heart fell to the floor …dad my dad him this man hear he is leving us ..for good never to come back ever
MY DAD
..he was our savour in this house of shame ..he was like a GOD …my dad was the one who would cook us a meal and we would sit at the table like a real family and eat ..funny thing thou i dont rememebr mum sitting at the table with us …..my dad would spend time with us tell us many many storys of his adventures in life ….sit us on his lap and show effection …while it was still never enought we loved every drop we got ..my dad was funny ..he could fix anything…he would even get done and ride our little bikes to make us laugh …when he went away with work ..he would bring us all back a doll and a big massive bag of lollies …….
he once broke his leg and it was in full length plaster so he was bed striken and home for a while …….looking at those crutches was just too irresistable …i had to have a try ……dad started yelling to bring them back …..and i laughted and tryed to doa runner with them they were so big and long i couldnt run fast and dad came hopping after me in just his undies in his meanest voice …but god i just laughed and laughed ………
.he also once slipped on a empty banana peel that was on the kitchen floor the BANG was so loud ..AGAIN I LAUGHED N LAUGHED …but i think he hurt his back .but god my dad was so funny …..
.my dad must of been iin his jocks alot as one night in the kitchen there was an intruder trying to rob us of the nothingness that we had …….dad herd him …we were all asleep .. but woke up with all this crashing n banging ..it was dad getting a knife out the kitchen cupboard and chasing this strange man out the house and down the street yeling and swearing at this man in his jocks …….god my dad was a hero
after my dad had left the house ..he would come and visit us on his lunch break ..and share half his lunch with us ……..god my dad loved me
THE COUNTRY TRIPS
after dad left ..he still wonted to spend time with us ..as he was living at my nanas house he would pick us up and take us on a realy realy long car drive ..wed rove past the city past the hills even over the hills as we werent use to long drives at all it seemed for half the day we just drove and drove ..now as an adult ..i know its only about 1 and a half hours drive ..but as a kid it was for ever …….falling asleep for most teh trip the hum and movment of the car was realy quite soothing and made you sleepy …
.we;d be woken up to find we had arrived to my uncles n autyshouse up the country ….my 3 cousins here there 2 girls me and my older sisters age and a baby boy too ….there property was massive the house well a bit on the old style i must admit ..old peeling walls rust iron sheets used as walls ..very rustic on one side of the house my aunty cooked on an old wood stove and she had to use small peices of wood to keep it buring oh plus it warmed up the house beautifuly .so there was always through out the day the sound of wood cracking and the smell of the charcoal burning .the kettle was always whistleing as the men woudl come in for a coffee break after working and driving the big tractors on the farm im totaly oblivious as to what he was growing or doin on the farm
…….just outside the front door there were pens and fences holding sheep in one and a few horses in one then another one in the back for horses where a pregnant mare was……i was soo hoping she would have the baby while we visited ..but that didnt happen ….there was also big massive open sheds too where the tractor was stoered and bail upon bails of hay and straw to feed the animals .i could hear the mooo;s of a cow but could never see it ..damn thing was never in my sites ……i went in the barn once with my cousin ….she said to me in a very qiet voice ….come here …….waving ehr finger at me ..come here …there deep in the straw was a mother cat suckling ehr kittens …ah how cute i said loudly ….to be told SHHHH by my cousin ….we cant show dad he must know about then or he will drown them like nana does ……..what i thought ..my nana …i go to her house all the time she dosnt drown kittens she doesnt even own a cat ………but ok ..ill be silent about it …..they were so cute didnt wont to see them get drowned in a bucket …..then my uncle called for us to come over to the other small barn ……in there was a small sheep waiting for his bottle my aunty had brought it over to my uncle and called the kids to come see ..we all were given a hold ..and oh my goodness the force that sheep sucked on the bottle …my uncle had to help me hold it ..thsi tiny little sheep seemed much stronger than i was …
it became a regualr thing there for a while for dad to bring us up there i think he was simply giving us a break from home ………one day while visiting again .we saw the baby horse in the paddock with its mother …we ll went into the paddock but the baby stayed close to his mum and she didnt let us go near either of them ..we had to walk very slowly and very qiuetly …which was so bloody hard for me to manage ..but i did it ..i was good ….there was another horse next door so my uncle brought that one out and all the kids had a little ride on its back …when it was my turned i couldnt wait ….i was so excited my uncle taught us to say hello first a few rules on saftey were taught to us ..like never walk behind the horse becasue they can kick you and kill you …ok i took that bit in scared the hell out of me that that could happen but my cousins assured me it does happen …..also before you ride the horse you come up hold out your hand in a fist and let them smell you if it all seems ok then you may pat then but slowly at first my uncle again was amazing speaking to us like we are real ….not just telling us what to do like my mum seemed to do only ……..so i soaked up every bit of imformation he told me ….i was learnign something and that was exciting …….so the horse smella me i have my pat then my uncle gives me a slice of apple again teaching me to keep my hands fully open ..dont bed your fingers he wouls tell me because the horse will eat them ..thinking they were slises of apple to ……i held my hand so straight and hadr it ached … dad then lifted me onto the horses back and my uncle started walking or the horse started walking ..i got scared the horse didnt have a saddle on and i was slipping ..i began to get scared a little but just at the right time as i was sitting sideways my uncle began holding me up …..we walked around the yard once and after that i was happy to get off ..i didnt feel safe at all slipping and sliding around and the horse was very tall and the ground a long way away ……………i was about 5 yrs old and small myself …..
we all went inside to sit ata large counrty feel wooden table to a meal of soup and meat with vegatbles and gravy …….after dinner we played for a bit on the big lounge room with all the kids then it was bath time .the bath was big and the lights were dim….i remmebr my aunty asking if it was ok if my sister got in the bath with me too …i thought that was realy starnge asking me ..showing respect and privacy to me ..like since when was my wonts and needs ever asked about ….i thought it very strange and turned and said yes its ok ..after all it seemed a scary dark candle lit room ..so i didnt wont to be alone ……my aunty then left saying to just sing out when we were done ……we slipped into a dep bath of warm and clean water slashing and having fun ..i had to open the big door to call out were wer ready to get out and my aunty would come out with warm fluffy towels for us …after all the kids went had showers it was bed time and by this time the fresh air was so tiring anyway was nice to flll asleep …..everymorning there family would get up way way to early ..but they all went about doing chores around the house or the farm ..my uncle would get the morning wood ..the girls would collect the eggs ..my aunty would get the fire goin in the oven and put the kettle everyone would be goin in and out the house busily doing there things …
my aunty hands me a bucket containing carrots and apples for the horse ..his name was prince …massive stature of a horse brown shiny….she helped me put on my cousing large big long boots adn opened the door for me …i began walking to the stable but to my surprise prince was out of his pen …..he was so tame he was let out each morning for a roam around …but i didnt know this ..i keep walking up feeling very proud that i was given the hounr of feeding the horse i felt pretty damn special baout now …….as i got closer to prince he turned and raised his head looking at me ….he then saw the bucket i had in my hand and slowly started walking to me …as i stopped he came closer ..i looked around there was noone even near me i couldnt see anyone i was outside alone with this massive horse cooming toward me …so i turned back to the house and started walking back …prince wanted his food thuo and started walking faster to me …so i with my heart now beting out of my chest becane screaming and running back to the house …….prince strted doing alittle gallop to me now ..the chickens who were out for there morning roam were standing near the door way blocking me ..i was running as fast as i could screaming i dropped the bucket looked behind me …he was still chasing me trying to eat me i was so sure of it …………i ran so fast back to the house even stepping on a chiken or two … to get to the door …i opend the door screaming hes gonna get me …..hes gonna get me …terrifyed to death …my aunty came over cuddled me she opened the door and there he was ….his massive ehan and teeth right by the door …….i swear he was trying to get throu the door to get at me ……..i fuckin hated prince after that day ..and wouldnt go outside there anymore unless he was behind the fence …..since that day i have had a life long fear of horses ans still wont go near one …..they scare the shit out of me …………
on the edge of the property there was an over grown very old and unussed train line .long weds growing throu the rails …and just in there was a very old cemetry ..my uncle and dad took us there a a few times to look …..it was scary some of the head stones had fallen over there was big cracks in the ground where the peole were buried …but my uncle n dad wouls walk us thou them reading out the names of peole giving then a human face almost ….teaching us that some lived back in the poineer age some graves were over 100 years old ..and how amazing that was to them also made it amazing and a beautiful thing to me aswell ……these were real people ….they had names a birth date and a death date but some didnt they were just so old
there would of been about 50 graves if that some were not even seen anymore for the weeds ahd overgrown the graves so much ……there was big family plots too where whole familys of generations were all togethere over a 100 year period or more even …….it became a wonderful memory i carried with me for ever about death having wittness my dog mutly before …again i ws givin another wonderful experience about death ……..and i wasnt afraid of it …..it wasnt a bad thing at all ……….leaving was alwasy sad i loved the freedom there the open space to just wonder alone ..it didnt matter where i went i alwasy found my self alone time …….but i knew we would rturn again one day with dad
MY MUM
my mum would either be found at some ones house up the street or lying in her bed reading her erotic books …also quite often found to be at the pub while leaving us kids home alone .part of the issues my dad had left ….. i dont have many memories of eating at home apart from with my dad upto the age of 6 …..
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.but there was also many a times when both mum n dad would have there parties with many friends over ..we were all put to bed early …and had to stay in there and not come out ……..i remember a few times mum freind debbie comming to our room waking me up and trying to shove some kind of pill in my mouth .. i wa forced to swollow this small litle pill ….she wouldnt go untill i took it and showered her thwe inside of my mouth ..i fuckin hated this womens guts …and also my mother for letting her do this ..my mum was there in the room too ..i could here her .ans see the dark shadow in the room too ….. go on cathy take you pill ……..
..i was so scared at night to go outthrou the dark back lobby then out side to go to the toilet ..i use to pee in the doorway of my bedroom floor ..getting caught soo many times by my sister …….mum had convinced me those little pills were to stop me from peeing on the floor and there fore it was a msut that i took them everynight ……..im not sure to this day what they were but i know this …..(now) there is no kind of tablet to stop a child pissing thensleves ….it may of been some kind of sleeping pill as i was always up n down at night trying to get attention good or bad i didnt care ……….
my mum treated herself like a queen liying in her bed all day eating her chocolate and soft drink with her pk of bex powder she would pour into her can of tab ….. that i had to go fetch for her each day at the shops ..sometimes i would go 2 times for her …..what she wonted she had her slaves to do for her …..and when big sister came home from school it was her turn to do the shop rounds …….
we also spend alot of time at the pub that was fun ..we always got a packet of chips and a bottle of coke …when we gt there then we would just run off inside and outside runnign around ..it was like a playground …acationaly getting told off to settle by a few old men sitting at the bar .or the bar tender giving us that look to settle …so we did under the tables for a bit ….but it never took long before we all got roudy again ….acastionly loking around to not see mum ..but it was ok …we knew the old men sitting pissed at the bar would look after us ……………….(mum would be in the car park fuckin men……………..one night our dad came sreaming into the pub trying to find her …..she eventualy came back form where ever the hell she had been ………………but that was only once …………
i was efection deprived ..i craved it ..and would search for it where ever i could find it form my mum ..the littel that dad gave was enought to get by on so i was happy with that but my mum was diffrent as she was the one home ..
.from age two as she was liyin in bed i would snuggle my little self against her body enjoying her smell she always looked after herself …make up on her hair done and dressed in stockings and nice clothes for the 70;s usualy short dresses .and my mum wasny a small lady …but it got the attention from the men she so needed …….. she would tickle my back every time and before i knew it i was asleep …
.it reminded me of the time mum took me and my little sister for another but this time long drive in the car with two men …dad had left by this time and mum had many gentlemn visitors to the house at night …..id seen the dark headed man once before i think..mum drove she was giggling in that child like way she does ..she was always in short skirts or short dresses leaving not much to imagine if she even bent over they laughted and stroked eachother in the front of the car we seemed to drive for hours we even drove on sand and then we came to a secluded beach ..me and my ssiter were so excited we can run in the water and playin the sand ..they got out the front seat while the man sitting in the back with us got out too ..as me and my sister began getting out the car mum came over pushing us back in telling us not in a nice way either to stay in the car your not geting out as she slammed the door of the old HJ holden on my little 3 year old sister hand .who began screaming mum seemed to take her time opening up the door to release her fingers from the door as she opened the door she roughtly took a quik look at her fingers and said oh god there fine youll be right …and she shut the door and walked off leaving me to hug and coformt my little siter who was sobbing uncontralably becasue of the pain so we sat in the middle of the back seat and i hugged her as tight as i could wipeing her tears and feeling so fuckin agry at my mum for not caring about us those men were more important that us she ran along ..after my sister settled we could hear laughing from my mum the back seat was rather high so we stood up to see over ….there was my mum running on the beach hugging and kissing the dark headed man …flirting giggling having the fukin time of her life not giving a shit about her own children …if we ever felt like we were in the way it was now …so why did she even bother taking us with her …i started to learn a bit about my place with my mother now and it was in the distance ..men were her life ….and yes she was a slut
.as i got older and naps werent needed .i had to find another avenue to get affection from her ……..i had long nails i would scream put on massive tantrums if anyone tryed to grab me to cut my nails ..casue it hurt and i hated it so i refused to do it ….i would go down kicking and screaming ….so anyway mum would call me over and say ..cathy scratch my back ….i would run over to do it so fast ..thinking how honoured am to touch her to get this clos e to her ………….she then would sit on the floor in the lounge and allow me to brush her hair ..omg i was so lucky to ahve this time this was me geeting love from her ..both my sisters didnt have this strong bond with my mum …and i ws happy about that ……i became mums fav because i was the one she chose to do those things for her …i would sit on the couch and brush her hair for hours ..attempting to plait it running my fingers thou her hair .i wonted her to stay there for ever……..it almost felt liek the cinderella story ..only i was one in the in crowd ….I WAS SPECIAL AFTER ALL
AUNTY LYN
From about 3 to 4 years of age ….mum would drop us kids off to my auntys n uncles (her brother) house for an overnight visit ….. mum would leave ..the door was shut behind her i would look out the front window behind the curtains to see the car drive off..mum was leavign us again ……..
..then we would here my aunty call out .who wonts a bath ……this was like the ritual every time mum left ……you would go into the clean bathroom ..there waiting me and my sisters was the most amazing site ..almost beautiful enought to make you cry ..the excitment was unbareable as you quikly took your clothes off threw them onto the floor to ahve them immideatley picked up by my aunty and she always did a load of washing …but there infront of us …was the bath filled with the clearest of clean water and had bubbles up to yuor head floating around ..we would all jump in excitedly splash …..play ….my aunty would wash our hair and talk to us about what we were doing that week and wash our dirty skins with a fluffy flannel all lathered up in soup ..it was so luxurious and just an unbelivabe joy to have clean water to bath in ..you can even tell the diffrence on your skin from having those grey dirty baths after my mother had been in ..to a clean fresh bath …we brushed our teeth aswell not doing it well cause we didnt realy own a toothbrush at home ..but it was cleaner than what it was before ……when it was time to get out ..even that was an melting moment …we were wrapped in a warmed up towel ..oh maybe it wasnt warmed and just a fresh clean fluffy towel im not sure ..but it was like being wrapped in heaven ..clean clothes were given to us to wear ….our hair was brushed which i remmebr taking awhile …..and then when we came out we sat at the kitchen table and were givin something to eat ..my aunty and uncle both in the kitchen cooking and also talking to us about how we were ,.and .taking a real intrest in us ….this happened each time ..it didnt matter if mum dropped us off at night or day time …..so all cleaned and full bellies we then went off to play….. ….. as you opend the back door and push dear old big white fluffy sandy the dog out the way as my aunty stood in the laundry washing all our clothes that mum had brought over …..to the right was a big shed ..not much in it at all ..not a storage shed but a shed with just a table and other non interesting things i didnt pay attenion too ..but one day there was a type writter in there ..and i played on it …typing this and typing that ….even at my auntys home and having my sisters there i still remmebr me playing alone and having those alone times to wonder of in the garden and have some peace time ..oh geting back to the type writter ..i um eveentulay opend it up and pulled the ink ribbon out and decorated the room a bit with it ….when i got found out and my uncle asked me what happened ..i denied it ……..i didnt know how it got that way ……i did many things wrong there me just being me ..but never ..not once did they ever raise there voice .they did the stern voice thou and gave you that look as they did ..and it did make you fess up to things ..but some i didnt ….. after a nice meal eaten at the kitchen table again …was strange eating all our meals at a table and together too ..let alone the food was devine …vegetables n meats n stuff we didnt get at all very often at home ..the thing that took a bit to learn was how to eat with an actualy knife and fork …..that was impossable to learn ..so hard to do ……….
.at night we would all be in the lounge room.my aunty and uncle watching tv ..and i use to sit on the floor and quietly colourin with pencils ….baby was put to bed i would go in to and say goodnight to her …then i would sit again on the couch with my aunty n uncle and we would speak ..and i mean an actual conversation ….it was the weirdest feeling ..but i loved it sandy would always be liying in the corner of the lounge next to the kitchen as he/she was alreay at this point an old dog .i remmebr alwasy being told to settle around sandy and not be to rough casue he may get angry and bite ……but he never did ………i new he loved me and wouldnt hurt me and he was much prettier thna my dog mutly ……
it was during these times that we were given a glimpse of how others lived ..how they ate ..how they comunicated with each other ..and it was something we took with us as adults and help us hold onto the dream that possable one day we would live like this too …this was a dream that i held onto with both arms in my head …….and i never will forget being treated as i if i was worth being a human being on this planet ..and carried that dream throu out my life growing up ………they showed unconditional love even when i was bad …………..and i honour them for that now as a adult now …the next day as mum was due ..i was excited and couldnt wait to get home to my own things ..i would look out the window waitind for her sometime it took forever …..i wasnt quite acustom to living with boundrys ..even thou they wernt even spoken about …our bad language ..our teasing ..my auny and uncle didnt have to scream at us to keep us inline …..just a look or a frown and we knew ………it was enough ………. and while i took it all in ..i could only have it for so long befor the need to be free roming around like a am at home took me ……….with a hug and a kiss we waved goodbye to them ..and returned to our own house of shame ..which i felt more comfortable in
KILBURN
after living with my grandma for about 7 or 8 months and mum having her baby just 6 weeks ago mum finnaly gets a goverment assited house….we were only moving a 10 minute drive away from my grandma ..
. all of mums stuff was packed onto a trailor..it was a very exciting time …there was peole helping to pack including mums new boyfrind les mum has a voltswagon that she drove ..my 6 week old baby brother timmy and my little sister aged about 4 sat in the abck seat ..while i sat in the front on my uncles lap …..you could do that abck in the 70;s not even having to wear seatbelts either …we say our goodbyes to my grandma and drive off
…as we drove by i looked at all the new things that were around us ..yet again there was another big bridge ….how i hoped to god i didnt have to walk over this one being twice the hight of the one at my grandmas to get to my new school …..we turned the corner just after the bridge ond kept driving …..then alll of a sudden my uncles calls out ….oh there it it you missed the turn ………. there was a large carpark to one side of the road .. and a train station loading dock the other side .our turn off was next to the car park but my mum missed it….mum has put on the brakes of the car looked for traffic comming and desided to do a quik uturn in the middle of the road …my uncle held me tight as we go around …..the force not being fast at all but it made me and my uncle lean on the car door ….which we didnt realise mustnt of beed shut properly …..as mum turns the car the door flings open my uncles grabs hold of my little 6 yr old body even tighter as we fall out the car onto the footpath and he rolls ontop of me 2 or 3 times as we tumble out the car …….my uncle quikly grabs me ..stands me up ..to check that im ok ..he had blood comming from a fat lip but im ok not a scrath on me .except a sore little finger which i didnt bother to tell anyone about …..we had a small giggle and hop back into the car and drive to our new house ..where people were already there waiting for us …as we get out the car everyone was asking ..why did we take so long ….i rememebrs telling everyone …we fell out the car …and how exciting it was to get attention over it …so i sayed it a few times to the peole there ….got a few cuddles aswell ……..
what furniture we had was moved in ….i shared a room with holly
while daisy .. had the small front room to her self she came back home to live with us frommy auntys ..but i didnt feel the same bond with her as i did before she left ..and anyway she seemed difrent …..mum and les shared a room with the baby
the lounge room was cool it had a mantle peice and a small gas fire ..mum had put up those bloody awful dark green curtians she had in the old house ..a colour tv was in the corner and under the window was her small dark table she would spend many hours at sitting on the floor doing jigsaw puzzles ….
in our room my sisters bed was at the back wall it was a huge bedroom the biggest in the house and a lrge window that looked out to the big back yard we had …my bed was directly accross the other wall with my feet facing the doorway
the dark shadow
..i hated night times at the best of times i hated the dark ..but somethink hapend to the house at night ..it wasnt normal there was something that just wasnt right ..and i picked up on every bit of it ……the house was already dark and cold during the day ..but at night it became freezing …..and the air was musky ….mum would put us to bed turn the lights of and shut the door ………..this scared the hell out of me and i wouls scream to have the door opened each night ……and i wouls sleep peacfully for a while …then i would wake up when everyone in the house was asleep there in my door was a man a shadow ..i big huge black scary sillohutte of a man standing in my doorway watching me ..just standing there looking .as i froze in fear not able to scream i kept looking at this sha pe ….as it came closer to me .he was going to get me ..still frozen in fear ..i tryed my hardest to yell for my mum but nothing came out …as the shape got closer and closer to me ….my fear become so extreme to the point where i thought if i dont scream now ..im going to die …..i had to save myself ….i pulled my face from under my covers …..and let out a scream so scary it would wake the dead …mum would come running into the bedroom almost with fear on her face too as my screams were so terifying ……i told her there was a man in the door way .it didnt matter how much she tryed to comfort me and tell me there was nothing there ..i didnt belive a damn word she said ..i know what i saw and it was real ………everytime she went back to bed the evil man would apear again ……and again i would scream out with fear ….so many nights mum would have to sleep at the end of my bed just so everyone in the house could get sleep ……i remember HIM comming in a few times telling her to leave me and go back to bed with him …he was being a prick and jelous of me making mum sleep with him ……even thou he kept us up all night with him snoring that vibrated the walls and windows …….i rather thing my mum got a better sleep being with me than with HIM …….for weeks and weeks almonst months this continued …..it wasnt my fault there was a damn big scary man after me at night and i needed confort and protection from him …..i wasnt going to let him hurt me ..
THE GHOST STORY next chapter
.as i could alwasy be found either out in the back yard playing alone …up the street visitn my best friend or in my bedroom playing schools ..every now and then my bedroom door knob would rattle like someone was standing there behind the closed door about to open it .but no one ever came in i .cant remember how but …i eventualy came to met this young man( a spirit ) who would come to visit me when i was alone .. he was tall blonde and about 21 years old..he would rattle my door knob and wait for me to say he could come in ..we then had eye contact and would say hello to each other with a smile ..somedays i would be so excited he was here becuse i had so much to tell him .he would sit on my bed and we would talk for hours.. his voice was very gentle and his eyes were caring he listend quietly to everything i had to say …sometimes after i spoke i looked away just for a sec ond and he would be gone ….we never spoke about him not did i ask him ….there was a conection we had were i could see into his thinking and was no need to ask him questions
..i knew he wasnt just in my mind either ..becuase i could smell him and at times touch him but he didnt touch me i would hug him ….he would disapear for weeks on end at times but then stay with me for months ..alwasy at my side ..folowing me to the places i didnt feel safe goin to in that house ..like the toilet ….but he alwasy waited at the kitchen door for me ..stood guard …he was the first man in my life that got close enough to me …..he showed me uncondtional love ..even when i told him how bad i was he still would be forgiving ..he was amazing ly polite to never swore even thou that was alll i spoke ..his voice was calm even toned and it calmed me down made me feel safe in my own home …he stayed with me until i left home aged 16 i was able to call for him when ever i needed his visits did become less and less but he nver went away ..i sat him down on my bed actualy he walked in and i remmebr patting my bed and saying we needed to talk ……then i had to tell him i was leaving for good and he couldnt come with me ….we both cryed and hugged and then he left me .even when i came to visit my mum at home later ..he was never there again …….
he was not the only spirit living in the house either …my little sister use to see a small boy crying and sitting in the corner of our bedroom ..on my side of the room ofcousre ……typical …but i never saw him ….my mum and her botfriend would acationaly see an old couple walking donw the long dark hallway we had ……..while i never saw them i did encounter there anger one day ..there were not such a nice old couple not even to my mum or HIM ………
life went on as normal after a few months we were in school again my man in the door way eventualy left so i was able to sleep better .that is except for les who snorzes so bad everynight mum must of gotten sick of it too with the new baby and all to so he was kicked out and slept on the couch in the loungroom now .he was a tall giant too ..he would put his arm out and we would hold on tight as he lifted us up the cieling ..it was so much fun yet scary too …he would put us on his shoulders and wow we could touch the celing his was a very tall man indeed
DAD
Dad had many girlfriends after mum and would sometimes come pick up all of us 3 girls and take us to visit them …there was one lady i remmebr becasue she lived near a big wherhouse …her house was small but she had a great garden out the back she seemed young and had 2 young daughters of her own cute both with long blonde hair that was gorgoeusly well brushed and looked after .
…dad would alwsy go on about how mum wasnt looking after us how we looked grubby n dirty nit infested too ..so often our hair was done in the bath with kerosene ..my sisters n me would all sleep inone room together while her kids slept in another room ……i remmebr one sleep over night ..me and my two sisters were all snugged up in our beds ..ahh the feel of clean sheets again was amazing …and so warm as well…
but this night my dad came into our room and told my big sister to get out of bed and come with him .she didnt wont to at first but dad insisted she come with him and now …..i lied there thinking to myself …..why did he take her ..why is she allowed to stay up later than me its not fuckin fair ….why cant i stay up late ..why does it alwasy have to be her when we visit dad ..maybe she was his favourite or something ….i hated her for that ….one night my curoiusity got the better of me and i got up out of bed ..in my pj;s slowing walking out of my room looking to sneek a peek at them hving some kind of fun that i had to miss out on…….but i couldnt see anyone ..the kitchen light was on ..the tv was going in the daken lounge room..my dads bedroom door just slightly ajar…so i slowly walked tip toed to the door to se what was going on ……..ever so quietly so as not to be seeen i peeked my head in i could only get my head in enought to se the top half of the bed …….and i saw my siter liy ing on the bed and my dad was ontop of her …….what the hell was he doing to her …i didnt understand it at all ..but it felt realy strange i remmebr i froze just for a second ..and my dad saw me …he yelled at me looked at me realy angry with strnge eyes i have not seen before and he tolded me to get out and go back to bed …my sister was liing ther with no top on but she wasnt crying so i thought ok things must be ok then ..i didnt know what they were doing …..i knew i didnt wont to do what ever it was ….
….about half hour later dad brought my sister back to bed sobbing ….she curled up faced the wall and cryed herself to sleep … we never spoke about it ……while i didnt understand what had just gone on and i ws about 7 yers old at this time was i nieve or to dumb to relaise …i just thout is was something she was ok with but i hope dad dosent come and ask me
THE BEACH
As we lived just a 10 minute drive away from the beach …mum and her new boyfriend packed us 3 in the back of the car and would go for a drive on gorgoues hot nights …for some reason we were never takin during the day with them ..it was always at dusk ….
.HE would run straight into the water this giant of a man ..splashing diving and pretending to be a shark ..he was so funny making us laugh so loud …we screamed at the top of our llungs like kids do ………..he would try and swim inbetween our legs all the time being a shark ..it was funny …….he would get his head between our legs then …up with a wooosh we would fly and splash back down into the water . sometimes he just simply disapear .under the water ..all would go silent we stoped splashing me and my sisters would all freeeze.the water went calm shitting ourselves where is he goin to come up and who is he going to touch under the water before he rises up again …..some times he got both me and my sister at the same time his hand would rub his hand up out little legs as he come to the surface of the water .
..after a while to me it felt alittle bit creeper ..i didnt like too much attention so i would swim just abit away form everyone trying to keep some distance and trying to stay away form him ……..
.was it just me i never realy liked physical attention unless i went and got it myself ……yeh ..thats all it was just me being silly ..his touches and his attention was all normal things that everyone else does …im just not use to that sensation ………it was both fun yet a bit scary tooo .
mum would wave to us from up high on the sand ..i think she sometimes got her feet wet when we first got there. then we were off in the water taking no notice of her after that ..we were off having fun in the water …..to carefree to worry about her ….she did her thing we did ours ………….it alwasy got dark to fast there and it was time to go home …i guess we would of been ther only for an hour ..but these adventures didnt last long ..and it became longer and longer before we went again .even years somtimes and by this stage yes we moved house but we were still only ever a 15 minute drive away form the beach …but that was what we did i guess …
i do have memories of the beach during the day ..my aunty or even both auntys would ring up mum ask if we wonted to be picked up and taken to the beach with all there kids .it was like a whole new experience…wow this was day time beach ..and it was so diffrent to night beaching ….so many people the waves semed diffrent too …..everyone was happy and smiling …….my auntys even put some yukky sticky cream all over us …sunscreeen it was called ……..they told me it stopped me from burning ..hell i didnt know ..it wasnt like my mum used this stuff on us ……diggin in the sand with little buckets n spades was so much fun … piling the sand up as high as it would go with out colapsing ..patting it down realy hard with my small hands ……running with my bucket to grab more sand for over there ..to bring to here ……you dug a circle around your mountian of sand ……then the most exciting part ..was digging your whole that went from on side of your massive mound all the way to the other side ….with out it colapsing on you …. that was the challenge …….we spend hpurs upon hours at the beach with my auntys n cousins …it felt like we lived there ..there was no time limit on our visits ….
oh and how scary is this ….. ona few times we were at the beach the shark sirens went off my aunty always brought a small radio down with her listening to the football on the beach ..
i dont ever remmebr seing my mum there with her sisters and us down at the beach ..i dont know why .my mum alwasy stayed home alot ..not taking us to places unless it was her family ..she didnt take us to the park ..or the beach .or the zoo .it was always someone else in the family that picked us up for some great amamzing adventures .i sometimes missed her not being there …..would look around hoping she would just apear there ..but that wasnt ment to happen and never ever did ………..instead she stayed at home liing on her bed reading her mills n boons books all day long …living in her own fantasy world i guess …..
