Neema Shaw
I woke up this morning like normal washed my face ,looked in the mirror and yet again had to reach for the tweezers to pluck out the long thin black hair growing from the left of my chin . they keep growing there without asking me if id like them to be placed there .I cant wait for the day when i wake up look in the mirror and it has turned grey ..surley it will be harder to notice and none will see it sitting there probaly umongst its best mates by then ,I have about 8 grey hairs on my head now . so my daughter found while standing over me .. ive not dared to look in the mirror for those yet …but we have this kind of thing where ..you know you know .. and there happy with that .. im not one for dyeing my hair so i guess in about the next ten years im going to look like an old haggard witch with long silver hair with a shit load of hairs growing from her chin . i may also be senile too so i guess now is the time for me to tell you all a tale .the tale of my life . i have many dark secrets to share . the skeletons in my closet keep haunting me at night there bones rattle and keep me away .. i fear things i shouldnt fear … ive seen things no child should see . i seek for truth . i live for answers that will never be told ,im opening pandoras box to find what i need ..come on the journey with me … dont be afraid ill hold your hand . your own memories may flood you .. but remember your not alone ...He was the only person in australia at the time who knew how to fix some certain factory machines so at times had to leave us all weekend or longer to go interstate ..my dad was a fix it man .he .could build a car from a simple bolt …when he was home he tinckers in his tool area out the back the smell of grease alwasy around and dirty rags that smelt of petrol aswell …my dad always had time to talk to me and listen ..it was these times too when dad was home on weekends that we got fed properly . i once was so starving i ate half a can of dog food ..it tasted nice at the time as hell i was starving ….but by the time i walked from the back yard to the front i vomited it all up by the front door ……i remember thinking “.well that was a fuckin waste of good food” . most of the time we were in bed before dad even got home ….and the sun was still up kids were playing out the front but not us .we were never allowed .As for my mum well she was not one for showing affection and i needed it ,i craved ..it so i just took it ……..mum use to lie in bed alot and read her .erotic novels …so i would snuggle next to her smelling her smell, feeling the softness of her stockings and i would fall alseep She just did her own thing during the day .in and out of the house visitng neighbours having cups of tea and gossiping . clare went to school so it was just me and mum .we go for walks to the shop or mum would sit on the lounge room floor and do her jigsaw puzzles for hours and hours she was .to involved in her own life to bother with me ….so i was left to do as i pleased ..she then had a new baby …….my memory is very blah about when my new little baby sister was born.my life was to busy doing my own thing i guess i didnt notice her being around ….. that was until at the age of about 6 mths old mum brought her bassinet to stay in out bedroom right behind the door it has what looked like clean white linen inside and this cute baby inside but at night when the baby didnt stop crying mum placed her in the back lobby to cry and scream all night long. she was so little and I just assumed mum needed her sleep and that stupid baby cried all the time. So she would lock her in the back lobby which was always a scary place at night dark and cold. A number of times clare would tell me to be very quiet and we would sneak into the lobby to try and sooth the baby and make her stop crying. We got yelled at to get back to bed. Which we did only to hear the baby’s cries go on again.
i started my lifes journey near the wharfs of port adelaide in south australia during the early 70;s …being a very heavy shipping area there was a pub on almost every corner and the site of drunken men was a familiar site ..i lived with my mother ,father and older sister clare in a small rental home ..our house i remember wasnt filled with trinkets or pretty things ..just the bare esentuals a small china cabinet sat in the lounge room with mum n dads bedroom off to the left then you would walk throu to the rather large open kitchen with a rectangular kitchen table with shiny metal strips that had grooves in it 3 i think that went all around the table.i always tryed to look at myself in it because i dont remember one single mirror in the house but ofcorse my face was all blury and distorted.and i couldnt see who i was , It had 3 chairs not one matched in colour ..to the right just off the kitchen was a small room which was ours it had a bunk bed to the left and my sisters clares bed under the window to the right ….my dad was a brillant tallented drawer who never put it to use exept a few family portraits and a masive mural he painted on the back wall of our bed room, he kept trying to keep us out of the room becasue he wonted to surprise us it took my dad a whole weekend to paint it ,.when he let us finaly come in and see the finished work ..it was the most colourful picture i had seen in my entire 3 year old life . he painted this huge micky mouse on my wall ..his hands wide open with the biggest smile on his face .behind him were 3 brilliantly coloured balloons.it was like a thousand times bigger than me dad was so proud of himself and so was i, it was hard to stop looking at and feeling happy i looked at it each night before i went to sleep. out from the kitchen you came to another room which took you out the back you went down 3 cold and dark cement steps to the scary back room ..a massive room with nice carpet a few chairs along the wall and a small bar in the corner ..there ws also a cellar door just infront of the bar it was only a small door and we were alwasy told to stay away because it was dangerous …and one day it was open and dad wasnt in the room ..how could i not resist but to slowly tipy toe upto the open door in the floor as i looked inside it was so dark all i saw was a few wooden steps going down into the darkness that was it ..i didnt need to see any more and i ran off as fast as i could so scared ….scared of what ..well the darkness ofcourse ..you just dont no what could be living down there … to your left of this big empty room was the bathroom a small room with just a sink n a bath ……..the toilet and laundry were both outside under the back veranda area washing was alwasy piled up in there.
My dad worked all day near by in a can factory
I spent alot of my time outside my imagination was huge i climbed the roof or climbed up trees … chased the dog are held a kitten ,we alwasy had cats around flea riden diseased sick.malnourished and left to breed time and time again i was aways itchy in bed i never slept much alwasy too busy scratching …as kids we were always dirty unwashed kids .if you pulling my bed covers back at night you would see a black cloud of fleas jumping about ..and when i climbed into bed i could actualy feel them hitting my legs as i climbed in then i would simply fall asleep scratching my legs ………i remember one day mum was outside hanging the washing out i was about 3 years old sitting in the back area playing alone when i came to a dirty blanket on the ground there was a cat liying there with her brood of little kittens ,i looked at them ..thinking here babies were dirty they has fleas and needed a good wash .so i found myself a good spot …..smack bang inthe middle of the yard ..i dug a hole thinging i was creating my own washing machine ..as i use to stand at ours and watch it all move about in a circle one way then stop and turn the other way ,,it fasinated me ….i looked up and saw that mum was busy ..so i went and got some washing powder ….i cant remember where i got the water from thou …but i filled my little washing machine ….went and grabed one of the kittens ….being just 2 weeks old i guess …my little hands around his neck …..i then .dunked him whole body and head into my waching machine and madly shook the fuck out of it then moving him up and down .vigorously ……well i was being a washing machine after all…….how else is he going to get clean ….
..with ..bubbles comming out of his nose and mouth he gaspt for air and trying his hardest .to meow bubbles comming out his nose and mouth .in he went again for the next swish ….half dead by this time my mum had now turned around and saw me ..she dropped the washing and came over to me yelling what are you doing neema put it down ,she took the soaking wet half drowned kitten off me. she pat it down as much as she could and put it in her apron pocket .i filled up my hole with dirt and ran off to play somewhere else .there was so many cats around the house ,but it was all good in the end becasue mum n dad would pack us all in the back seat of the car when it got dark and we went for a short drive to the local dump where my mum would open the door and let the cats go my parents told us they would be better of and this was a much nicer place for them to live
….which i new it was a great place to live hell i even wonted too. dad would take us to the local dump sometimes on the weekends to drop rubbish off but in those days you could take what ever you wonted home aswell we had a ball digging around the rubish piles finding small pretty trinkets.or bikes that we took home and dad would fix for us ..it was magical and felt like all your xmas;s had come at once each time we went dad didnt take us often so it realy was a big treat .one of my happier childhood memories but ofcourse my parents turned that into a bad thing eventualy when they decided to dump a few of my favourtie cats and left me crying in the back seat but i sooon got over it as it wasnt long before we had a new lot of cats n kittens to play with
we had a church just one house away …so i would sit out side on the steps and watch the people go there and hear them sing ..but we never went in there exept for the xmas one once a year there was another building of the church too where all the wedding were held now that was exciting after everyone came outside i would stand to the far side og the building and watch the gorgoeus lady in her gown and the man in black suit get covered in colourful…confeti that was scattered on the ground after everyone left i would gather all i could and played with it afterwards ..i wondered around spending alot of time alone in my own world playing .this was my peace time …. i was a naughty child too i would climb on my swing set out the back and get onto the roof ..when i reached the top and saw anyone walk past i would scream out .HEY FUCK HEAD ..then duck donw n giggle to my self cause i was a trickster too …after i had my fun at that i climbed to the front of the house roof and jump off ..
as we lived near the wharfs there were many pubs around us and seeing the odd drunkin man walking home wasnt unusual actualy it was quite fun to watch them stagger down my street .one in particualr each sat afternoon …would take a good ten minutes just to pass my house ……each electric pole he walked into a fight would ensue …ya fuckin bastad he would yell as he swung his punches falling to the ground and giving us such big laughs that we kept silent ,mum didnt wont him comming over to us ..there was alwasy storys about his wife that he use to beat up …storys of how strange she was ..one day me my sister clare and a few friends decided one day before he came home to knock on her door and see what all the fuss was about ….we were so scared …but it had to be done a few of us went up knocked on the door and ran to the gate ..this women short chubby and very old with grey hair opened the door ..she had a long dress on ..calling out what you all wont …as we looked down to her feet the strangest site was seen …her feet were bound with rope and pillows …yes thats right each foot had no shoes but big fluffy pillows wrapped around her feet tied on with a plated rope to keep them on…we ran so fast ….never to do that again ….one day this old man from up the end of my street drunk and hardly walking ..dropped to the ground and passed out infront of the house next door …..so me being me had to test how gutsy i was went and found a stick from the church and walked over to him and poked him ..he didnt respond so ..i poked him a few times before my mum saw and yelled at me to move away …by this time he was trying to grab my stick ……….so i backed off a little scared we then watched and waited as it took him a good 20 minutes to get himself up of the ground ..no one dared to help him he was a rather violent drunk and fought with anything and anyone ….
