Neema Shaw
my brothers dad was sometimes nice ..oh that’s right . only .when he was drunk …..during the week nights unless it was thursday night ..he was sober he;d would come home from work and see us and grumble .about the noise or just us being in the lounge room watching tv …it was as if just our presence in the house made his skin crawl during the week ..he would have his shower ..then disappear into his bedroom for the rest of the night ….calling out to my mother for his dinner ……we normally would all go into our bedrooms after he was home because the tension was so high it could almost be seen ……i remember a few times needing to go to the toilet but asking my sister first …..go see if he is out there …she would argue with me about it ..saying nooo .but i threatened to break something of hers if she didnt go look for me …..i opened out bedroom door only to push her out ..watching he go down the hallway into the kitchen to see if he was there ……..she would look back at me shaking her head no ..and off i ran to the toilet then just as quickly back to our room ……
.. on Saturday’s mum drove him to the pub for a few hours but he was always home in the afternoon to listen to the footy on the radio…. footy was a big part of everyone’s life .we had a small sunroom next to the kitchen.which is where he was all set up with radio and stool this is where he would sit for hours clapping cheering ..moaning n groaning over his favorite football .team . his team winning or loosing would determine his mood afterwards…. then another tiny room was off that just big enough to fit the washing machine in then there was the cubical for the toilet …there was only enough room in there to turn around and that was after you shut the door ….there was a gap at the bottom of the toilet door about 20 cm high on the weekends there was this eirry smell of beer that went thru the whole house …
..it was on the weekends that we tried our best to stay away from the house ..we werent allowed to wonder the streets and wouldnt even consider bringing anyone home ..so we hung around a friends house just 5 houses down Stephanie would become my best friend in the whole world …i was lucky and when we moved into this new house the street was full of lots of kids all around my age group ..all boys thou apart from the girl next door whom i hated with vengeance and my best friend many 5 houses down .so i hung out in front of a house down the street ..was still close enough for mum to see us …i made friends easy n was very sociable loving the company ….but there was this kind of silent look i got from everyone ….everyone knew what kind of house we grew up in ..it was one of those looks of …i know you know about us ….it was a sympathetic look ……i got that from just about everyone around me in my life ..so sometimes it was comforting knowing that they knew but never spoken about ….
i hated going home by dinner time ..mum would go out the front and at the top of her lungs call out neema holly time to come home …..how embarrassing the hole suburb could hear her calling out …we said goodbye to our friends and went home to the smell of his disgusting farts that went of continuously and beer breath .mum would of normally cooked a roast .she cooked them a lot ..i think because it was easy to do not much physical effort need plus she would make us sometimes go and turn the roast over while it was cooking ..i couldnt count the amount of burns i got over the time on my fingers …and hands …or standing there mixing the gravy as dinner was dished up ..Timmy jumping in the kitchen and les grabbing mums ass as she is trying to dish up the food ..smacking her with a full swing of his big hand on her ass …thinking it was some kind of sexual game …who the hell knows .on the kitchen table that was already full of shit everywhere …..we took our plates and went and ate it on the lounge room floor .les stayed in the back sun room or just sitting out the back and pissing under the lemon tree ..
…but then at least he was able to piss in peace ….it wasnt so nice for us …..your heart pounded as you walked to the back room on your way to the toilet ..if he was in a good mood he would grab you cuddle you and with his breath talk and talk about how you are ..this was a nice night .he wouldnt let go of you and just rambled on his shit ..i tried not to spoke back or give conversation to him but gave him the acational eye contact glances or a nod of my head with a yep ok ….especially when he had hold of you …..if there was some distance in the room then i may of had a polite conversation with him ……you fucking hated it when you walked in the sun room and he was there .thinking to your self ….shit shit ..fucking shit why can’t he be outside ..that way i can go to the toilet with out seeing his shoes standing just next to the toilet door ….but then there really was no difference even if he was out side …you could then hear his big feet and body shuffling just under the toilet window ..which was around the corner from where you just saw him …..what was he listening to ..the sound of us having a piss …..of course he hated it when he got caught ….behind the door …..i would open the door before flushing it …..seeing him quickly turn and walk out of the small room …which you knew damn well he didnt need to be in ……and he walked out the door …….
Sundays how ever were even worse ….that was the DOGHOUSE DAY
from 12 till 4 every sunday he would go to the doghouse ..it looked like a house from the front and was just down a suburban side street …it was also a mens only club…under no circumstance were women or girls allowed ..i remember a few times the wives putting up protest and trying to make a stand about the sheer sexism of the club ….many times to appease women it was brought up in there meetings …which in itself was fucking hilarious it was just a room with a bar and old men sitting around drinking beer and having man chats about footy ..but ofcousre the votes were a unanimous NO .to allowing women to step foot in the palce ..but for one day a year for about 2 hours on xmas eve ….like we gave a shit anyway ….
..mum would pick him up and for some reason we always had to go …..mum didnt leave us home alone often at all and one of my sisters or me had to go with her .. my brother would run in and get him . he would get in the car and again the smell of beer breath intoxicated the car ..he was usual y in a non talking mood and we had to sit in the back and shut the hell up …mum would try n talk to him and make nice talk but all he did back was mumble
this was when we had to back off be very quiet and under no circumstances go in the lounge room ……yet again we did our best to not be home and go find friends to play with .. you had to have good luck to get into the house even on the weekends i noticed the more noisy the kids were out the front playing the more angry des would get some times it was ok …after the football he had videos he liked to watch in the lounge room and absolutely hated interruptions or us walking in on him …….
..but hey sometimes i needed things or to go to the toilet …..walking thru the back to the toilet /mum would be in her room lieing on her bed watching tv and eating her chocolate and drink that you had just gone and got for her ….you turn to open the back door only to find he had locked it ..purposely doing it locking us out of our own house being the prick that he fucking was …..so many time mum had to get up and unlock it to let us in ….once you had gone back outside ..he would come by and simply lock you out yet again .you were not allowed to knock on the front door to be let in ..but fuck him i sometimes thout ..this is my house mate ….i wonted to go to my room ..i couldnt be out the house all weekend for 48 hours to please him and i loved my time alone or in my room listening to my music …so fuck him ..the bastard locked the back door how else was i to get in …so yeh i fucking knocked on the front door ..he didnt answer so i knocked louder …..you could hear his snigger of disgusts …he stomped to the door flicked the door knob over with force as to try n show he wasnt happy ..the video recorder was turned off as you walked out the room …he places his dinner plate next to him …then walked into mums room abusing her fucked off that we had disturbed him ….watching his videos ….a few times i got so angry ..i got what i needed from my bedroom and listening to him shouting at mum ..being so damn pathetic so before i left the house i shouted out …well stop fucking locking the back door ..its my house too ………..///what game was this man playing ..he hates us hell we fucking knew that to be true ….but stiff shit ….why make our life even harder that what it was already ………he continued drinking after he gt home ..the idiot once in winter fell asleep infron tof the radiator heater ..he woke up screaming at the op of his lungs he had burnt a whole in his leg .it was so deep you could see his leg muscle and it was about the size of a small childs fist …….i couldnt help but laugh and thing .good suffer you prick ..hope it fucking hurts….im sick of feeling uncomfortable in my own house ….
….he fucking pissed me of there was no privacy in the house at any time with him …on the weekends i bloody new why he spent so the asshole can stad by the bathroom window and listen in as we showered ..i tried to shut the window as much as i could but the wood was so dirty so much wood rot that it never closed fully …. he was so drunk and such a right fucking idiot we could see his dark shadow standing at the damn window peering in the glass had a pattern on it so it would of been very blurry movements he saw but he still did it every bloody time you showered or ..if he missed that and wasnt outside ….when you finished your shower he was so desperate to peak and peek while tying to look thou the keyhole in the door hid big fat head would hi the door knob so you knew damn well the bastard was there so quickly wrapped yourself in a thin towel as all the towel were so old fluffy we never felt and then you would as fast as you could ran to your bedroom and close the door get dresed half wet ..
but the basted did get me one day ..i was about 12 or 13 years old …what was different thou was it wasnt the weekend when he was at his happiest it ws during the week when he was at his most antisocial ..it was late at night about 9 my little sister fast asleep in her bed by the door .i was lying there not yet asleep as i normaly turned the light of and listen to my radio a while before turning it off and sleeping by this time my radio was off and i was about to go to sleep when i hear my door knob rattle hard ..it wasnt my ghostly friend becasue his rattling of the door know was very gentle i could hear heavy footsteps and breathing shit someone ws in my room ..and oh no it was him ..what the hell is he doing maybe he was sleep walking how very strange was this …as i lay on my back frozen in fear i breathed realy lightyly closed me eyes pretending to be asleep then maybe he will think im asleep and just go away ..he then sat on the middle of my bed ….what the fuck does he wont i thought then holy shit i felt the edge of my blankets being moved about i was so scared and almost stopped breathing …as his had came up and touched my knee …gently stroking it with his big hand ..then it went higher up to my thigh i lay there froxen as he continued stroking my thigh with his warm hand up and down many times …then he stopped and simply walked out the room and shut the door behind him …..oh my god i thought …fucking hell …i began shaking …what was i going to do no point telling my mum she wouldnt believe me and she wouldnt stand up to him anyway i got up the next day still confused and scared i didnt wont to see him anymore or face him …i kept in my room strangely enough the next night my doorknob rattled again i knew it was him so this time i turned my back to the wall closed my eyes in utter terror that he even had the balls to come back i was so hoping my little sister would wake up and see him again i held my breath as the blankets rose and he rubbed my thigh up and down then like the night before pulls his hand away and quietly leaves the room .i wne to school the next day and i just couldnt tell a soul i couldnt i didnt know what would happen ..well i did nothing ..a big fat nothing ……so i shut my mouth ..i couldnt belive it the next and 3rd night in a row ..he came back in…no i thought rolling over to my side again but this time with tears in my eyes i was sick of the fear .sick of him commin in and doing this to me but i was quiet again and let him do his leg rubbing …..how dumb and nieve was i thou find out many many years later after i left home he did the same thing to my little sister only she was more braver than me and looked to find him rubbing her leg and pulling his cock off with the other …i just thought he was rubbing my leg in some sort of sick leg rubbing fantasy .anyway after the third night it stopped and he never came in my room again ….but it sure as hell left lasting wounds on my mind ..all trust i had with men had now disappeared ..
i now went to school then came home and hid in my room all day for about a year ..i stopped socializing with the kids in the street and simply stayed in my room …it was my safe haven i had my music and my posters it was all i needed friends would just have to come and visit me and they did even the boys too much to the horror of my sisters as they were not allowed to have boys in the house at all …but for some reason i was mum favorite and i got away with more and i had many more benefits from my mum that my sisters were given .each week from age 13 mum would open my bedroom door and throw in a packet of cigarets i quik thank you was said as she shut the door ….and every month she would also buy me my dolly magazine .i love the girls in there so glamorous i looked after myself really well spent ages blow drying my hair each day for schhol ..didnt go out the house unless my makeup was perfect many people even at school told me i was pretty i hung with the middle group of girls being an all girl school too less trouble from the boys ..so you would think we hung and ate out lunch in the tennis courts at school along side a huge factor it was me who havent to prove my shyness didnt exist began speaking to a few young workmen thru the wire fence on there lunch break one paying me extra attention …but i later found out he knew a girl in my street it was one girl you didnt mess with or shell punch the shit out of you ..so i backed off from him rather fast once i found out that …..
