Neema Shaw
MY MANIPULATION…….
my dad was alwasy busy fixing cars on weekends …he could build a car from just a key …..dad had a new FJ holden light green i think ……on weekends he would tincker under the hood and we sometimes would watch him and he told us what he was looking at or fixing in detail …..this again was some kind of bonding time ……but soo loved it and took it all in ……as i climbed the good old branches of what remained of a very old almond tree i sat and watched my dad fix his car …multy at my feet trying to jump up the tree too ……dad took way too fuckin long cleaning this damn car ..hours was spend washing ..n polishing .levaing not a streak on any windows ..when he finshed all ws packed away and he went inside to sit for a while …while i watch from my tree ………..i was 5 ..and i saw the car …..it was so shiny ..its pretty ..it was wonderful …so i went and climbed the car and sat on it .looking at myreflexyion in the galss window …..my older sister came out ….yelling at me … to get down ..the buckles on my shoes will scratch the car …….NO ……..HOW DARE SHE SAY THAT TO ME ..IM NOT HURTING ANYONE ..I WONT TO BE UP HERE ….she statred yelling louder trying to grab me off the car ….i thought fuck you ..your not telling me what to do ..i hate you sister ..i hate you ..i hate you .i hate you as we fought over me being on the car ….well …i had enough …thats it …….im goin to end it ……………i know ill get her in trouble ..ive done that before and she get belted ….yep …..so i picked my nose ……and wiped it along the front window …then jumped off the car my sister yelling at me folowing me into the house as i scream …dad look what sister did ,,she put boogie all over the car …dad …dad look …look …………well dad came running out and saw …….as i was alwasy beleived …she coped another slap accrosee her face ….my big sister actualy coped alot of beatings at my expence ..what i didnt realise was that some of them she was just trying to protect me from harm ..but instead i turned it onto her in such a viscous way .by creating lies to my parents …i was usualy never questioned ….they thought i was the good girl who didnt tell lies i guess ….so i used it to my advantage growing up …i survived by batting my eye lids and big smiles to con everyone ….and it worked ..so why stop ………………………i would get extra drinks from the old mena t the pub by my smiles and pleaseeee im thristy ………
my litle sister didnt get out of it unscathed either …..yeh but she was a pain ..i hated her too …..when she was old enough to walk and follow me …..it made me so fuckin angry there went my alone time …..my peace …..i now had her folowing me evry where i went ////my frinds wernt myn alone anymore ..she came with me to play with the boy next door …….she was taking his attention away from me …..and i serioulsy hated it …. we all decided to paly out side but i had convinced my little sister age 3 to stay in the room and play with the toys a bit longer …..i shut the door behind her and pulled the lock over ..so she couldnt get out and i would ahve my friend to me again …..we went n played and actualy did forget about her for hours ….his mother eventualy found her locked in the room and she has we t her pants ..casue no one heard her cryes …………
..while my older sister felt a sence of protection for both myself and smaller sister ……i didnt feel that at all …..to me it was a look after number one and that was it ……i had no loyalty to any of my sisters …..fitgh for your own ….was what i thought ………
MY PARENTS SEPERATE
mum and dad had shut the kitchen door to talk.. while me an big sis were in the lounge watching tv ……..there were qiute a few loud yells comming for behind the door ….as i was 6 i wasnt to interested ..what got my attention was my sister standing at the door listening as she was 9 and i guess had a bit more of an idea what was going on ……..she eventualy opend the door and went in there she was very upset ..everyone was all talking loud n yelling i couldnt realy hear a damn thing .and was still cluless as to what the hell was going down ….then daisy turned and looked at me with tears streaming down her face sobbing she tells me and ..i remmebr her words so clearly to this day …DADS LEAVING US …….
my heart fell to the floor …dad my dad him this man hear he is leving us ..for good never to come back ever
MY DAD
..he was our savour in this house of shame ..he was like a GOD …my dad was the one who would cook us a meal and we would sit at the table like a real family and eat ..funny thing thou i dont rememebr mum sitting at the table with us …..my dad would spend time with us tell us many many storys of his adventures in life ….sit us on his lap and show effection …while it was still never enought we loved every drop we got ..my dad was funny ..he could fix anything…he would even get done and ride our little bikes to make us laugh …when he went away with work ..he would bring us all back a doll and a big massive bag of lollies …….
he once broke his leg and it was in full length plaster so he was bed striken and home for a while …….looking at those crutches was just too irresistable …i had to have a try ……dad started yelling to bring them back …..and i laughted and tryed to doa runner with them they were so big and long i couldnt run fast and dad came hopping after me in just his undies in his meanest voice …but god i just laughed and laughed ………
.he also once slipped on a empty banana peel that was on the kitchen floor the BANG was so loud ..AGAIN I LAUGHED N LAUGHED …but i think he hurt his back .but god my dad was so funny …..
.my dad must of been iin his jocks alot as one night in the kitchen there was an intruder trying to rob us of the nothingness that we had …….dad herd him …we were all asleep .. but woke up with all this crashing n banging ..it was dad getting a knife out the kitchen cupboard and chasing this strange man out the house and down the street yeling and swearing at this man in his jocks …….god my dad was a hero
after my dad had left the house ..he would come and visit us on his lunch break ..and share half his lunch with us ……..god my dad loved me
THE COUNTRY TRIPS
after dad left ..he still wonted to spend time with us ..as he was living at my nanas house he would pick us up and take us on a realy realy long car drive ..wed rove past the city past the hills even over the hills as we werent use to long drives at all it seemed for half the day we just drove and drove ..now as an adult ..i know its only about 1 and a half hours drive ..but as a kid it was for ever …….falling asleep for most teh trip the hum and movment of the car was realy quite soothing and made you sleepy …
.we;d be woken up to find we had arrived to my uncles n autyshouse up the country ….my 3 cousins here there 2 girls me and my older sisters age and a baby boy too ….there property was massive the house well a bit on the old style i must admit ..old peeling walls rust iron sheets used as walls ..very rustic on one side of the house my aunty cooked on an old wood stove and she had to use small peices of wood to keep it buring oh plus it warmed up the house beautifuly .so there was always through out the day the sound of wood cracking and the smell of the charcoal burning .the kettle was always whistleing as the men woudl come in for a coffee break after working and driving the big tractors on the farm im totaly oblivious as to what he was growing or doin on the farm
…….just outside the front door there were pens and fences holding sheep in one and a few horses in one then another one in the back for horses where a pregnant mare was……i was soo hoping she would have the baby while we visited ..but that didnt happen ….there was also big massive open sheds too where the tractor was stoered and bail upon bails of hay and straw to feed the animals .i could hear the mooo;s of a cow but could never see it ..damn thing was never in my sites ……i went in the barn once with my cousin ….she said to me in a very qiet voice ….come here …….waving ehr finger at me ..come here …there deep in the straw was a mother cat suckling ehr kittens …ah how cute i said loudly ….to be told SHHHH by my cousin ….we cant show dad he must know about then or he will drown them like nana does ……..what i thought ..my nana …i go to her house all the time she dosnt drown kittens she doesnt even own a cat ………but ok ..ill be silent about it …..they were so cute didnt wont to see them get drowned in a bucket …..then my uncle called for us to come over to the other small barn ……in there was a small sheep waiting for his bottle my aunty had brought it over to my uncle and called the kids to come see ..we all were given a hold ..and oh my goodness the force that sheep sucked on the bottle …my uncle had to help me hold it ..thsi tiny little sheep seemed much stronger than i was …
it became a regualr thing there for a while for dad to bring us up there i think he was simply giving us a break from home ………one day while visiting again .we saw the baby horse in the paddock with its mother …we ll went into the paddock but the baby stayed close to his mum and she didnt let us go near either of them ..we had to walk very slowly and very qiuetly …which was so bloody hard for me to manage ..but i did it ..i was good ….there was another horse next door so my uncle brought that one out and all the kids had a little ride on its back …when it was my turned i couldnt wait ….i was so excited my uncle taught us to say hello first a few rules on saftey were taught to us ..like never walk behind the horse becasue they can kick you and kill you …ok i took that bit in scared the hell out of me that that could happen but my cousins assured me it does happen …..also before you ride the horse you come up hold out your hand in a fist and let them smell you if it all seems ok then you may pat then but slowly at first my uncle again was amazing speaking to us like we are real ….not just telling us what to do like my mum seemed to do only ……..so i soaked up every bit of imformation he told me ….i was learnign something and that was exciting …….so the horse smella me i have my pat then my uncle gives me a slice of apple again teaching me to keep my hands fully open ..dont bed your fingers he wouls tell me because the horse will eat them ..thinking they were slises of apple to ……i held my hand so straight and hadr it ached … dad then lifted me onto the horses back and my uncle started walking or the horse started walking ..i got scared the horse didnt have a saddle on and i was slipping ..i began to get scared a little but just at the right time as i was sitting sideways my uncle began holding me up …..we walked around the yard once and after that i was happy to get off ..i didnt feel safe at all slipping and sliding around and the horse was very tall and the ground a long way away ……………i was about 5 yrs old and small myself …..
we all went inside to sit ata large counrty feel wooden table to a meal of soup and meat with vegatbles and gravy …….after dinner we played for a bit on the big lounge room with all the kids then it was bath time .the bath was big and the lights were dim….i remmebr my aunty asking if it was ok if my sister got in the bath with me too …i thought that was realy starnge asking me ..showing respect and privacy to me ..like since when was my wonts and needs ever asked about ….i thought it very strange and turned and said yes its ok ..after all it seemed a scary dark candle lit room ..so i didnt wont to be alone ……my aunty then left saying to just sing out when we were done ……we slipped into a dep bath of warm and clean water slashing and having fun ..i had to open the big door to call out were wer ready to get out and my aunty would come out with warm fluffy towels for us …after all the kids went had showers it was bed time and by this time the fresh air was so tiring anyway was nice to flll asleep …..everymorning there family would get up way way to early ..but they all went about doing chores around the house or the farm ..my uncle would get the morning wood ..the girls would collect the eggs ..my aunty would get the fire goin in the oven and put the kettle everyone would be goin in and out the house busily doing there things …
my aunty hands me a bucket containing carrots and apples for the horse ..his name was prince …massive stature of a horse brown shiny….she helped me put on my cousing large big long boots adn opened the door for me …i began walking to the stable but to my surprise prince was out of his pen …..he was so tame he was let out each morning for a roam around …but i didnt know this ..i keep walking up feeling very proud that i was given the hounr of feeding the horse i felt pretty damn special baout now …….as i got closer to prince he turned and raised his head looking at me ….he then saw the bucket i had in my hand and slowly started walking to me …as i stopped he came closer ..i looked around there was noone even near me i couldnt see anyone i was outside alone with this massive horse cooming toward me …so i turned back to the house and started walking back …prince wanted his food thuo and started walking faster to me …so i with my heart now beting out of my chest becane screaming and running back to the house …….prince strted doing alittle gallop to me now ..the chickens who were out for there morning roam were standing near the door way blocking me ..i was running as fast as i could screaming i dropped the bucket looked behind me …he was still chasing me trying to eat me i was so sure of it …………i ran so fast back to the house even stepping on a chiken or two … to get to the door …i opend the door screaming hes gonna get me …..hes gonna get me …terrifyed to death …my aunty came over cuddled me she opened the door and there he was ….his massive ehan and teeth right by the door …….i swear he was trying to get throu the door to get at me ……..i fuckin hated prince after that day ..and wouldnt go outside there anymore unless he was behind the fence …..since that day i have had a life long fear of horses ans still wont go near one …..they scare the shit out of me …………
on the edge of the property there was an over grown very old and unussed train line .long weds growing throu the rails …and just in there was a very old cemetry ..my uncle and dad took us there a a few times to look …..it was scary some of the head stones had fallen over there was big cracks in the ground where the peole were buried …but my uncle n dad wouls walk us thou them reading out the names of peole giving then a human face almost ….teaching us that some lived back in the poineer age some graves were over 100 years old ..and how amazing that was to them also made it amazing and a beautiful thing to me aswell ……these were real people ….they had names a birth date and a death date but some didnt they were just so old
there would of been about 50 graves if that some were not even seen anymore for the weeds ahd overgrown the graves so much ……there was big family plots too where whole familys of generations were all togethere over a 100 year period or more even …….it became a wonderful memory i carried with me for ever about death having wittness my dog mutly before …again i ws givin another wonderful experience about death ……..and i wasnt afraid of it …..it wasnt a bad thing at all ……….leaving was alwasy sad i loved the freedom there the open space to just wonder alone ..it didnt matter where i went i alwasy found my self alone time …….but i knew we would rturn again one day with dad
