Neema Shaw
but the house still had a sence of bad about it i still fuckin hated and even dreaded night times my mum wasnt big on house work at all never has been but once in this house it was like bomb after bomb had hit the house the floors were always full of clothes dishes and papers ..you always had to step over things to move around ..me and my sisters room ….well the worst in the house ..it was never cleaned ..the clothes would be knee high moldy food around the floor .we had lived clean at my grandmas house and enjoyed it greatly but once in our own house again my mother would slack off and have a give upa ttitued she spend her days at the neighbours house drinking pots of tea .
.and still sending us to the shops to get her lollies …her can of drink ..bread and milk …..each time we got home with hands so sore you coudnt open them up to let go of the heavy bags we would have to stand by her side as she counted each of her lolly bags ..20 cents worth of cobbers ..20 cents worth of mint leave lollies and 20 cents worth of rasberrys ……she would count the correct amount then tell us …ok off you go ..and she would eat her lollies to herself and never ever did she share ……..god forbid if the shop keeper counted her lollies wrong becaue she would slap us accross the head accuse us of stealing her precious fuckin lollies …as she clutched her bags of loliies pull them into the chest and yell at us ……..there my lollies ….and your not haveing any ……..she never belived us if we said we never took any ….hell why would we …..we were all to scared to touch her fuckin llolies as we knew we would get smacked for it …….we knew the shop was comming too she would call out to me neemaa…then she would say ….do you love me .and she would hug you …….each time i fell for it thinking that one day she would actualy be saying it for real to me ..but no not to happen her next words would be .GO TO THE SHOP FOR ME THEN ….oh fuck i would thing ….damn damn i should of gone out or pretended i wasnt home or judt hide somewhere for the day to avoid the fuckin shop walk of pain …there was no point arguing with her at this point once she has you ..you were ..had ……if you refused she would come up with ….IM NOT ASKING YOU IM TELLING YOU ……so collect all the one litre glass bottes you could and cary then on the 10 munite walk to the shop ..ive been doing this with the heavey bottles since i was 4 years old now aged 7 or 8 it still happend ..no rest for the wicked i guess
Mum was a busy women you nkow rasing us 4 kids and looking after her man too was a lot to handle for her …and the house suffered for it …my mums idea of doin dishes was to dip them in warm water and straight on to the plastic strainer. not alot of elbow greese was ever put to use ..and we ate from forks with dryed food on them the pots were always black ..the cups alwasy had a film of greese on them most our glases were old vegemite jars ..but hey some were the shape of propper glases ..or the jam jars too …nothing wrong with that many people did it …i think …
.i dont ever remmebr my mum owning a vacum cleaner so all the floors were mopped most days .oh my mum had the most phsycodelic taste is furniture too the curtains and even our brand new carpet when we moved into the new house was bloody bright .. stripes of bright colours like green red blue ..the floor was like a rainbow ..much like those fuckin green curtains i realy wonted to burn ……in the lounge room …my mum would come in the lounge room ….with a wet grey mop ..move things on couches or simply push to one side of the floor and come by with the mop and sweep the crumbs n dirt of the floor .flipping the mop around cleaning leaving a slightly but not to bad wet carpet ..it dryied prety quikly and we sat back on the floor again .. mum swept all the crumbs from the lounge room down the long hall wat to the kitchen then got the broom and swept that all in to one corner .and it stayed there for a while with the mop on top of it all .
.that corner of the kitchen was at its worst at night time …..you would get out of bed wipe your eyes and walk down the cold dark hallway reach out to the light switch .as you turned it on you would here the scuttering noices of 50 or more cockcroaches running from the far corner of the room from around the wet grey mop sitting in the corner …..while half asleep you had to jump up n down to not step on them as they scattered away and hide ….the kitchen was goood . sometimes …if i didnt wont to go to school/which was all the time i would beg n plead with her that if she let me stay home from school that day i would clean the kitchen up ..and that ment cleaning the cupboards too ..sweeping ..doing the dishes wiping them and putting them away …i mean it practicly took the whole day to do anyway so it wasnt like just having a day off school to do nothing…but it was fun to do sometimes and oh my god ..how clean it all looked afterwards ..clean bench tops ..the plates and cups all stacked neatly dishes done with no food left on them to dry …i sometimes even lifted the dish rack to wipe all the grey slime away from underneath ..but the satisfaction of looking into room that looked like it came from a happy family …from a clean family even if just for a second in my mind was worth it ….i loved pretending ….and i did it alot i had an amazing fantasy world i lived in almost all the time becasue i knew our house was diffrent to others. i knew my family were diffrent to others …i was embarresed ..i was ashamed ..but at the same time very protective of my life ..if you had never visited my home then you w=didnt know the truth ….it wasnt like i made up lies or told storys to my friends at school or teachers ..i simply just never spoke about it .
.in the bathroom the dirty clothes were alll piled in one corner and mum would collect them every few days for washing ….she was good at washign clothes ..i have to give her that .there was always washing on the line….of course when the clothes were off .how could you not resist to swing in the hills hoyst ..sorry mum but yeh i did broke 3 of them ….but just so you know it was fun …back to inside the bathroom ….but any stray clothes were left there … sad to say but yes a few times mushrroms were found growing in the corner amongsts the black spotted mould growing up the walls ..even thou we lived in dirty conditions .that freaked us all out the serverity of the conditions for mushrooms to pop up growing in a bathroom and not out side …but me an my little sister had a good giggle to each other ..it was just one more starnge sites in the house .
..simmilar to the grass growing knee high behind the televition but that was just casued by the budgie seed that had been spilt by the budge ..no biggy realy …qite a normal thing to happen ..i mean this sort of thing would happen to many people as i know lots of kids from schhol who have a budgie ….doesnt ..it ? ……my mum wasnt organised either the mantle peice was full of picture frames and peices of paper like bills and just things and stuff dust so thick it became part of the decor .oh we did have one cool thing ..ans that was our phone thta was a coca cola bottle …i remmebr my little sister picking it up one night and talking into it while on one of her night time sleep walking happenings ….she lloked funny talking on the phone then placing it down and trying to climb up the wall ..me and mum stood there giggling to ourselves quietly thou didnt wont to wake her ..was alwasy told if you wake someone while there sleep walking they can die form a heart attack or something ..so my little sister after her phone chat n wall climb was gently walked back to her bed ….
mum didnt let us go to friends houses much but i insisted this time i was 13 she was my bestes friend we were close and had am amazing bond with her ..i arguded with mum telling her i wa going to sleep over no matter what she said ..i wasnt afraid to stand up to my mum on issues that i felt strong about and i needed time away from the house and him and her and just everyone at that time ..so off we went her dad sold budgies at the markets every weekend her dad was a little fat ugly sweaty man who stank and i tryed to keep away from him the first moring we helped him pack the birds in his van .trying to be nice and make conversation with him ….the van was done he was sitting down having a rest and all of a sudden her grabbed me around my wasit and made me sit on his lap grabbing my face asking for a kiss i couldnt be mean and jump um an be angry to my friemds dad althou i resisted his advances to me he got one good grab at my face and he kissed me and stuck his wet tonge in my mouth i jumped off him fast and got in the car ..again i was feeling those awful feelings of fear my stomach turning ….as we drove off …..we got there unpacked the birds then we went off to explore the markets everyone knew who she and her dad was so i felt rather important being with her …she introdused me to this gorgoues stunning older man about 19 that she knew ..after his work had finished he met us both around the corner we chatted and all of a sudden she left us alone he tells me to folow him as we climb into the back of his truck boxes everywhere ..he closes the door and we begin kissing and he rubs my breasts …he then trying to unzip my jeans that were so tight they were more like second skin ..i move his hand away as he keeps trying to undo my pants …we go back and forth kissing him trying me pushing his hand away ….i got so scared i just pushed the pig off me and ran out of the truck …finding my friend and telling her but she just lughed and said i should of done him he was good .apparently acording to her ….we get back home eat n bed time comes she makes her bed on the floor pegging sheets from one side of the room to the other so we were under all these sheets we were laughing telling our stupid jokes and her father comes in a bit bemused then he tryes to crawl under with us …oh how i was shitting myself but thank god hes so bloody old he cant bend down ..wheeeewww …..the next morning he calls me and my firend to his bed room she goes in there to put on her makeup as i stood there and watched her dad was liing on the bed ….realy fast he grabs me and pulls me ontop of him and tryes to kiss me i tryed to giggle and make a joke of it for my friends sake but i realy wonted to kick him in the balls ..he then rolls ontop of me making us both roll over and over each other i cant handle this shit so i jump of him as fast as i could and walk out the room ..we had another day at the markets..i should of gone home but i felt stuck we had to catch two busses just to get here i didnt know where i was i was lost she i was sure her dad had to be abusing her big time he ws a sleezy bastard and didnt try to hide it even ….my last night there was jjst as awful as all the other nights ..we sat in the loung watching tv ..he picked me up off the floor and forced me to sit next to him ..i thought it safer if i kept my legs crossed ..but nope …he too kept rubbing the inside of my thight too ….what the hell is with these men abuseing me
was i an easy target ..i look in the mirror and dont see an easy target ..how did they know ..what are they looking for in a victim and obviously i looked right for the part casue this shit keeps happening to me …time and time again i am so angry with me ..im gutless and ussless and cant stick up for myself .i was so stupid and dumb ……im just an fuckin idot ….i couldnt wait to get home … a few days later back at high schhol i couldnt hold it in i had to tell my friends atleast what had happened im not sure if any of my friends belived me ..but she found out what i was saying and we had a massive argument she accused me of lying to my face ,,..i raised up i didnt care if she was my frind i was not liying and how dare she say i was she was there she bloody saw his behavour was it all normal to her maybe …we didnt speak after that our friendship had ended and not long after she left the school altoghether
