Additional storys

Empty hugs

my mothers time … emotions and hugs were never given out unconditionally .it was like she targeted your weakness and made it her advantage .she was never a touchy feely mother … not even a touch of your head as you walked by … as a child i wonted human touch so bad … i would see her lieing on the couch watching tv … my mother rarely sat on things she was always lying about …

id sneak up quietly onto the couch making as little movement as i could to get in between the crook of her bent legs .i was ever so silent and my body just melted and moulded to the shape of her legs as i snuggled in deep …

my mother didnt move or utter a word .there was no recognition that i was even there … but that was good  it was a sign that i was allowed to be there … she was excepting me in and not telling me to go away … my very essence was fixed onto her love . allowing me to sit there quietly and touch her was amazing . but soon enough the condition came … do you love mummy ” she would say …”yes i would knob ” she would reply ” really really love mummy ” wow she was recognising my love for her this was great for me … then the words came out her mouth … ” go to the shop for me then …oh fuck id been had yet again .. i thought this time i was going to just get a hug .. but nope the conditions had to come … there was no point fighting her about it now … id already told her i loved her so now i had to prove it didnt i … i had to go to the shop to prove my love for her ..i couldnt back done now … i always felt so stupid afterwards … i felt tricked .. i knew she couldnt just love me  or give me a hug and walk away . there was always a condition … brushing her hair . buying her lollies from the shop . scratching her back .. always doing favours to get affection of some kind out of  her ….she used her children’s affections and desire to be loved for her own gain

this was how i was loved as a child …  my sisters got even less . i was mums favourite .. and i dont think she ever touched them at all

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A MOTHERS LOVE

so my evil mother does her usualy saturday morning visit over my house … arrives at 9.30 today …. seems early she must be on her rounds today begging with me …. she brings in the junk mial form the letter box .. a few oranges from my auntys tree and sits and waits to eb served her coffee … by which time the kettle boils fast … soon as i here her car i rush to fill the kettle and get her coffeee made …. she only stays as long as her coffee lasts so the sooner its made the sooner she goes …. im the only one in the family that has this power .. she will stay for hours at my sisters homes .. but only 30 minutes here ….

we talk of boring shit … and not once do i give her eye contact …. i just cant look into those eyes of her … she has this strange power over me that i cant describe so i avoid looking at her … it eases the turning inside my stomack anyway  and those feelings of rage from my childhood she so ignored .. but chooses to deny ..

i fear looking into her eyes .. i feel my eye lashes form into icycles … her eyes are totaly empty she feels for herself aches for her self but cant share it with anyone …. and anyway i dont wont what she offers … i tried so hard asa child to see love from her …. to feel an emotion from her without having to do a chore to get it …..

she sits at my table while the kids excitedly look thru the toy sale catalogues … she sees something she wonts and ripps it from under the childrens eyes ..

it doesnt take long before the kids sitting at the table become inpatient as she flicks thru the pages infront of them and they begin to get bored and get louder at the table they become more demanding on me … i wont an apple i wont this … i wont that mum … my anger grows deeper and deeper … why the fuck didnt the kids just go on the computer … why did they have to sit at the table … there fuckin annoying me now …. my voice gets louder and lpouder at the kids .. i mean i cant just say to them get out the room when my mother is here .. dont stay here just go away when she is  here ….

i hold my breath the whole time she is here … and the kids just make it worse putting demands on me … my mother in her usual fashion dosnt offer suport but says with a smile … I TOLD YOU WHAT YOU KIDS DID TO ME YOULL GET BACK 100 TIMES ….

wtf …. my blood boils and i see visions of all my kitchen knives peircing thru her skin … one in her eye … one in her head … 6 thru her heart … blood gushing everywhere as i dance in her essence … ok back to reality i sit there in silence as the nager is so huge my body tightens up as i think to myself …

you fuckin mole …. yes we were cunts to you as children …

we wernt fed

we bathes in grey water after her

we ate on a wet mouldy floor

mushrooms grew in the bathroom

we didnt get huged or kisses or told we done well

we were degradded . abused  forced to live in fear of a stalking  drunkin step dad ….

and she dares to judge my life .. my home .. my family .. like im raising them as well as she did …. she compares her parenting to myn …

mum did you know .. i read to my kids and tuck them into a clean bed

mum did you know my kids eat .. they can touch .smell and taste all foods in the fridge …

mum did you know my children live in a clean home

mum did you know my children dont live in fear inside there own home

mum did you know i tell my children i love them .. not beacue i wont to send them to the shops to buy me lollies  but becasue i do love them .

mum i am nothing like you ..

my life is nothing like yours

one day you will be gone ..and i dont think i can  spare not one single tear for you …

you cant miss what you  gave up loving

and you cant love what never loved you